Stella grabs dildo as gov’t bows to her pad poetry

Stella: I really missed my dildo, masturbation is forbidden in prison

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Stella Nyanzi

Makerere University researcher, Dr Stella Nyanzi, says she is greatly relieved after being reunited with her favourite dildo which she missed so much in prison.

A queer laughist, writer and critique from the non-core academia, Nyanzi does not write for fools to read; hers is a unique satire that relies on sex innuendos to critique human follies and foibles in the ‘unquestioning’ one-dimensional society.

Nyanzi was recently incarcerated at Luzira maximum prison for daring the First Lady, Janet Museveni, on a promise sanitary pads to schoolgirls which she never delivered.

She was also accused of insulting President Yoweri Museveni who she reportedly called a “pair of buttocks”.

Gov’t bows to the might of her pen

The State Minister for Higher Education, John Chrysestom Muyingo, is quoted by Uganda Radio Network [URN] saying that government is still committed to its pledge of providing free sanitary pads to address one of the challenges leading to school dropout rate of girls.

The minister said this while speaking to journalists at the climax of the manifesto week where government ministries, departments and agencies have been accounting for their one year in office.

While campaigning in 2015, Museveni promised that once he is re-elected, his government would give offer sanitary pads to adolescent girls.

The Janet-led ministry of education and sports has now asked all school to use part of the money for the capitation grant to buy some sanitary pads for emergency at schools for pupils who experience their menstruation for the first time.

The development sent pleasure signals in Nyanzi’s neurons tempting her to grab her favourite dildo and satisfy herself.

Nyanzi resorts to dildo for pleasure, sweetness, bliss

For all that time in prison, what Nyanzi missed most were her kids and her favourite dildo- a sex toy, often explicitly phallic in appearance, intended for sexual penetration or other sexual activity during masturbation or with sex partners.

“When I was in Luzira Women’s Prison, I really really really missed my dildo,” Nyanzi confessed.

Sometimes, she said, her desire was so overwhelming that she cried as other inmates snored deep into the night.

“You see, masturbation is forbidden in prison. In order to eliminate this practice, the prison warders go as far as not permitting roll-on deodourants with the moving ball on top, into the prison.”

She accuses prison authorities of confiscating three of her roll-on deodorants, including one that she bought from the prison canteen.

“And so, tonight I am recharging my dildo with Energiser batteries, as I start my count-down to Thursday when I go back to court.”

According to Nyanzi, there is no pleasure, no sweetness, no blissful moment, left in Uganda for “the masses living oppressed by Museveni’s dictatorship”.

“And so, tonight, I will assert my rights to dildo-based adult pleasure, and do so every coming night until my court hearing. Should the state drag me back to jail, I will be a satiated woman.”

Nyanzi criticises sim card switch off  

She says the time-bound mandatory sim card re-registration using the largely problematic National Identification Numbers [NINs] shows “how clueless the despotic regime’s bulldogs are”.

“So, the bulldogs woke up one day and commanded all Ugandans with phones in Uganda to go to their network providers, with national identity cards and register all over again or risk losing their phone numbers. Why? In order to track and curb crime revolving around phones…!”

She said it did not matter the people’s phone numbers were previously registered using valid identification such as passports, driving licences, NSSF cards, employment identity cards or such other official documents.

“It did not matter that our phone deals were privately struck with the telecommunications companies such as MTN, Airtel, Africell, Vodacom, Smile, Mango or whatever else.”

She added: “It did not matter that our phones were also our banks for mobile money or our business centres. It did not matter that our phones were also our clocks, radios, televisions, internet sources, type writers, calendars, diaries, cameras, photo albums, maps, dating managers… basically important extensions of our lives. We were all ordered to fall in and re-register with our NIN.”

Nyanzi claims this is a rouse by the government to control and subdue citizens through easier surveillance related to their phones.

“The painful process of getting an ID was full of many flaws that have never been solved for many Ugandans who tried. Many other Ugandans have never cared to get an identity card either because they were already sceptical about yielding their personal data to the despotic regime or because they were just too lazy and full of apathy to care.”

Nyanzi went on: “I am so desperate for regime change that sometimes I feel like buying a loaded gun, teaching myself how to take aim and fire, lying in wait for the president, and shooting him back to the realm of his ancestors.”